I'd like to introduce you to my crazy...

So, I have to let go of control in about a week and it is almost pushing me over the edge.  When I was younger I was bossy, and still am, but I was always happy to have other people do things and didn't feel like I had to correct at every turn.  Since B was born it has literally consumed my every day.  No one knows how to take care of the kids the way they need (insert, the way I want it done...) and there are things that no one else knows how to do because I am the most unorganized person alive AND I won't let anyone else do anything.  If there was a reason for someone to take over paying the bills, investments, or taking care of any other sort of "paperwork" responsibility in this household, there is no telling what would happen.  What have I done to prepare for this situation?  Pray?  No, because that is what I am supposed to do and the quiet thought involved in prayer for this might be enough to do me in.  Instead, I am going around like a crazy person cooking and freezing, cooking and freezing, washing laundry, cleaning and mending....like I am going into hibernation and leaving my family to fend for themselves.  It is ridiculous.  I would tell someone else to STOP...alas, I can't make myself do just that. 
Shocking (note sarcasm), God has it covered...

Philippians 4:6-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Part of the problem is, I don't even realize I am doing (insert neurotic behavior) until my husband is ready to pull his hair out and I am physically twisted into one giant knot of muscle and begin to think that I can survive solely on Diet Coke and Riesling.  I mean, COME ON....DUH...obvious, right?  Something is not quite right.  At a very minimum, prayer brings the quiet peace of time between myself and my Father and if nothing else slows my heart rate.  I mean absolutely zero disrespect by using terms such as "at a minimum" and "if nothing else"...I just mean that in the immediate moment at hand, those are some pretty immediate consequences to dropping down on my knees.  Beyond that, I know that prayer will have a huge impact on how the next few weeks go, but sometimes, in the wake of lasagna, chicken pot pie and my fifth load of laundry...some immediate relief is quite welcome. 

If someone else were having surgery, I imagine them having fears of going to the hospital, being put to sleep, having said surgery performed and maybe the pain of recovery.  MOI?  Nothing like that.  Don't get me wrong, I plan on asking for immediate relief for my stress as soon as I have an IV, however, my biggest stress is the idea that I am going to be recovering at home for a while, with the sound of small children running around and multiple adults doing all the wrong things in MY HOUSE.  Don't get me wrong; I am extremely grateful for the adults who will be helping us and yes, one might say that this house also belongs to my dear husband, but in reality, it does not.  In my brain this is MY house and I let him live here.  Disease much?  Devil much?  Brain not working much?  Exactly.  Hence...I need prayer. 

And, this is my crazy.  The crazy in my head, greatly fueling the need for a Faith project to begin with. 

Dear Jesus, please slow down the crazy.  I really don't have time for it and knowing what a gift each day is, this is such a terrible waste of time.  Lord, help me to show strength in this fight against the Devil's encroachment on my life.  You know my heart, Lord, and I am grateful for you every day.  Thank you for our many blessings and the love that surrounds our family.  Thank you for the people willing to help us and Lord please enable me to accept help humbly and graciously.  Amen

Head above water...

Busy days here in the Faith Project household.  Trying to keep my "head above water" as someone quipped to me yesterday.  Beth Moore just posted a message on FB that nearly brought me to tears.  Wow.  God talk to me much?!? 

"We live two miles wide and an inch deep. We are totally caught up in a thousand different things, and not doing any of them well. You and I become effective by becoming SELECTIVE!" - Beth Moore

So much to share, so little time to write...will be back with some little words about some big days.  Hope all are well on this journey.  I really believe we are getting a leg up on the bad guy.  xo

Heart like mine

Ladies and Gentleman,
I am writing to tell you to quit beating yourselves up.  Trust me, somebody out there did something worse, said something worse, thought something worse, cursed something worse, broke something worse, screamed something worse, drank something worse, left something worse, slammed something worse...or maybe somebody didn't....but it doesn't matter.  If it's still bothering you, get your knees a little dirty for a minute and wipe that slate clean.  That's right...RIGHT NOW...get down on your knees and you tell Him.  Tell Him you are sorry and you want to do better and ask to be forgiven.  I'm not claiming to know God any better than you...but I can tell you one thing...and it's something I just figured out today...HE FORGIVES YOU.  He forgave me.  Today.  And He will tomorrow.  And Wednesday.  And Thursday.  And next Saturday...and I think you get what I'm saying...

Can you believe I have been carrying around some stuff since 1995?!?!  And let's be honest, ain't nothin' from 1995 that comes anywhere near competing with 2000...so that just shows you how crazy I have been!  It explains how angry I get at myself and at anyone who appears to be questioning me.  It's awfully hard to be comfy and calm with someone else questioning you if you are questioning yourself.  It's even hard to accept a complement. 

Let me share something I learned the hard way....you can't cook meals for strangers with new babies, volunteer, take in house guests, run a personal shuttle to the airport, feed dogs, mow, or clean your way to forgiveness.  Heads up.  It doesn't work that way.  I KNOW I'm not the only one who knows this.  I just thought...since I'm 32 and am just figuring this all out...maybe I'd save someone else who is a little slow on the uptake the trouble....  I'm just wondering what took me so long.

How did this happen, today?  Well, I AM on a journey and God IS in on it...so He appears to be getting straight to business with teaching me where I could strengthen my walk with Him.  I was  talking to a sweet friend, who also beats herself up about things, and she said something about people thinking I was perfect.  I almost fell off the couch.  I yell at my kids, don't do the dishes as quickly as I should, am afraid we are either saving too little or too much for retirement, apparently can't figure out which of Eric's clothes can go in the dryer and which cannot, still go to therapy over stuff that happened or I DID ten plus years ago and apparently have forgotten to ask God for forgiveness and learn to forgive myself.  Don't I sound like a mess?  If a friend just read me that laundry list I would laugh and tell her that she is normal.  Why can't I cut myself more slack?    Lord help me forgive myself, please! 

About an hour later, said lovely friend was watching my girls so I could run an errand.  As I drove down the highway, rain pouring, radio blaring my ears the rest of the way to hearing aide status, I sang these words along with Miranda Lambert:

'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine 

I bet we'd get along just fine

He could calm a storm and heal the blind

And I bet He'd understand a heart like mine

Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo

said he loved me anyway

My brother got the brains of the family

So I thought I'd learn to sing....

And besides learning to sing, that is pretty dead on and it gave me a big lump in my throat...driving my car seat filled minivan down the road...it gave my little heart an ache that made me grateful for where I am and grateful for where I've been.  And I need to let it go.  So, there goes all that writing I've done telling some pretty wretched stories.  True, but wretched.  Maybe that was part of the healing.  Did I say wretched?  Wretched.  But it's all over.  And things are coming up roses.  And the Lord blessed me with a good life and FORGIVENESS.  Wow.  Forgiveness.  What a gift.  He can forgive a heart like mine.  God is good.  So.  Good.

Oh the blessings...

It's no joke that you just have to ask God to show Himself and He does!  I know He's always been right here with me, but the last few days I feel Him taking my hand and guiding me...when I let Him.  Now if my own prideful heart could "let" Him every moment of every day!  What joy there would be...
I have been working on this specific post for a few days and struggling with what is ok to say and what is not.  Appropriateness is not really a concern of mine (Have you met me?  If the answer is yes, you know what I am talking about.  I shoot from the hip and wear my heart on my sleeve...not super tactful or composed...) but I AM concerned about divulging things to a point where my husband feels uneasy about the sharing of our family business.  It is something that has taken me TEN years to learn to respect and I am just coming around.  I feel like an open book and I think he wishes I were a little more clam-like.  ;) 

I am overwhelmed by things going on in the world (not a new thing) but realize that it really can shine a light on areas where our own lives can be improved.  Watching the children in Africa, starving, is tearing my heart right out of my chest.  I want to find a way to do more than just pray and send money, but knowing our limitations...it is "all" I can do.  Pastor Mark, at CTK back in Fallbrook, once gave a sermon where he talked about "all" you can do....I will never forget it because it stuck in my head that so many of us say things like "all we can do is pray" and yet prayer is EVERYTHING.  Yes, having money to share is a wonderful blessing, and if I could cradle a small, frail child for even an hour, that too could be a huge blessing, but PRAYER....could there be a larger blessing in this world?  Sometimes it feels so small a thing to do...to speak into the air and as our words disappear with the sound of our own breath, it feels.  like.  so.  little.  And yet sometimes it feels too large to even do.  Sometimes there are things I KNOW I should pray on, pray for, and pray about...but I don't.  It is as though the idea of prayer is so overwhelming at times.  In churches I attended growing up we were told to pray...said rhyming-type prayers and as I grew was reminded that prayer is good...and necessary.  I still struggle with finding the words to pray to God in thanks and in requests for health, stability, peace....and yet to listen to our small children pray is the most glorious part of the day.  I feel like we are teaching them to pray about everything and anything that they feel a tugging to do so...and I also feel like they have hearts for prayer...their prayers are simple and concise and sometimes enough to overwhelm this mommy's heart to the point of tears and 'insert-lump-in-throat'.  It may be God's gentle reminder to us that it isn't so hard and it means so much.  And oh, if we would just ASK Him...He'd show Himself.  He's already HERE.  He's just waiting for us to stop. being. so. blind.

And here is where I have just deleted several paragraphs of text about God helping me to make a decision, making peace with said decision, and after a few tears, laughing about it in the long run.  God is good.  He is so good.

I am grateful that He encouraged me to hit save a few times and walk away, giving me to time to reflect on what I was writing.  At first I felt compelled to publish a post every day of my journey, but that doesn't really change anything and it really doesn't affect the journey of faith I am a'travelin...and maybe not posting was teaching me just as much.  It's hard to imagine...reflection and quiet from a mind that can't stop...and God made it happen.  Glorious. 

Ecclesiastes 3 >> New International Version

---

1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

So far, so good

Today is going well.  I have noticed a hesitation in things I might have said before and while I'm still all kinds of not right, it's a step.  Reading Proverbs, this jumped out at me and quite frankly gave me a few tasks to address.

Proverbs 6, 16-19
16There are six things the LORD hates,
seven that are detestable to him:
¹⁷ haughty eyes,
a lying tongue,
hands that shed innocent blood,
¹⁸ a heart that devises wicked schemes,
feet that are quick to rush into evil,
¹⁹ a false witness who pours out lies
and a person who stirs up conflict in the community.

I am not extremely sure how haughty my eyes are, although sometimes when I am irritated with my husband I am surprised his hair doesn't burst into flames as I stare at the back of his head.  As B would say "that's not riiiight"!  Among these seven things is also the shedding of innocent blood.  Here is where the Bible loses me a little because I'm not really sure guilty blood is great to have a hand in shedding...but I think we get the point.  I feel like that might be the only item among the seven which I can securely respond with a raucous "NOT GUILTY".  I'm not too proud to admit that I often have haughty eyes, a lying tongue (I have no idea HOW that big scratch got on the car....), maybe have devised wicked schemes (probably not for some time, though...and I am having trouble putting my finger on even one, but I'm not prepared to deny this category, hands down), definitely feet that have rushed to evil, and if false witnessing is anywhere close to exaggeration I am GUILTY....and the cherry on top is stirring up conflict in the community (while I'm thinking this is a dramatic way of labeling gossip, it's a dramatic problems that needs to be squelched). 
Wow, run on sentence, much? 
But it's a lot to cover and I am developing my writing skills, so patience...patience.  I think you see where I'm going.  I am guilty.  Talk about a slam dunk in the area of "needs improvement".  This could get me through the weekend...actually, might just sail me right through the end of 2011. 
So, how do we change this stuff?  I think I can stop harping on what irritates me about others to my girlfriends or about how irresponsible I think someone else is.  (I mean, hello, I forgot B's ballet shoes yesterday and had to come back for them.  Aside from remembering both kids it was my ONLY responsibility with that outing.)  So, looks like I have my plate full.  Can you think of ways this list can help you in your life?  Far be it from me to make suggestions to you, because I believe it to be quite obvious that my house a big enough mess that I better not throw any rocks at some kettles...or whatever.  Do you think God would put these things in the Bible if it wasn't necessary to remind us?  I do not.  I think we are human and we need reminding.  But being human isn't an excuse to be a heathen.  And by heathen, I don't mean anything besides just being yucky.  I am tired of being yucky.  Pretty prophetic, eh?

Wow, harder than I thought

For some reason I thought I could start this project last night and wake up a new woman.  (insert television game show buzzing noise...)  I lose!  haha....not so funny.  I went to bed all invigorated and excited, which doesn't set a gal up for falling asleep quickly.  When the morning came, and all too soon, I hopped out of bed and rushed the girls out the door of our room so Eric could sleep a little longer.  Some days he gets home from work at a terrible hour and last night was one of them.  I like to occasionally cut him a little slack.  Only sometimes, mind you.  Today was his lucky day. 
I was patient with the kids but by 8:15am I was smacked in the face with what would be my first battle.  It's no Lexington and Concord or Bull Run, but still, the devil is a tricky fellow.  He is disguised in sheep's clothing and then BAM, he bites you.  I could have won this morning, but he beat me!  I gave in to feeling irritated and cranky and frustrated for the sake of one pathetic little noun.  Inequity.  So, devil, thanks for making today's fight so obvious because in round two I'm going to kick its butt.

Inequity is "injustice, unfairness"; iniquity refers to "immorality, sin, wickedness."

See also related terms for sin.

Are you kidding me?  Could I have picked a better first day battle?  Apparently that word practically DEFINES sin, of all things!  Lest I forget...not my choosing.  Looks like God is totally on board with my project.  When am I going to learn?!?!

Psalm 103

¹ Praise the LORD, my soul;

all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

² Praise the LORD, my soul,

and forget not all his benefits—

³ who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

⁴ who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion,

⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

⁶ The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Ding, ding, ding.  I must start overlooking the inequities around me because to be drawn in to thinking about them, talking about them, repeating them and letting those thoughts infect more than a moment of my day as a fleeting, flickering flash is to give power to something that is truly lifeless.  And God doesn't even acknowledge them, to the best of my understanding.  How can being SAVED ever not feel like enough?  So, maybe today is more about not keeping score than inequity.  I might not notice inequities if I stopped.  keeping.  score.  Hear me, devil.  Nada.  No mas.  Harder than it sounds, but what did I say yesterday? 
BRING
IT
ON
I'm all over this one.  Round two.

365 Day Faith Project: Introduction

Tomorrow I am 32. Nothing monumental except TOMORROW I AM 32! God MADE me and knew me before July 20, 1979, which blows my mind because I barely know me and I've actually been living in this body for 32 years. But then again, so has He. And as many times as I have invited Him to stay, or screamed at Him to go, His presence has not wavered. We are fearfully and wonderfully made. We are told that. We read that. I rarely remind myself of that. And tada, we have arrived at the purpose of this new endeavor.

Psalm 139:13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.

When T was born, back in California, Pastor Phil read that scripture to us in the hospital. I sobbed my eyes out. What a burden lifted! God already knew her story! I just needed to trust Him. Stop fretting and trust. That is easier said than done. How often do we say have a little faith....?

I will go into more reasons for this project below, but here's the idea: 365 days...every day until I am 33, I will do something to push the levels, increase, multiply and share my faith in God. The reason? Well, besides the fact that He sent his only son to die for me (and, um, that is HUGE), I think it's really the only way back to what really matters in the world and can improve my self esteem in leaps and bounds - which will, in turn, improve the lives of my children, my relationships, my marriage, my family as a whole, and every interaction I have in this world. What is there to be angry about in this world if through everything I truly grasp who God is and that He is really working in my life like He says He is. He will really provide and there is nothing to fear! Beautiful, right? And I've wasted so much time! No. More.

Explain the 365 days; check. Now, the 40 lbs of love....well, that's easy. I was trying to figure out what to call this project and I asked B how much she loved Jesus. Her reply, arms stretched out, "this much". I inquired as to how much "this" is, and she replied "40 lbs". Beautiful. Simple. To the point. And it just happens to be about 1.5 lbs more than B weighs. You know what that means? She loves Jesus more than all she has and all she is. God bless children. Did you also know that at 40 lbs children can start riding in a booster seat instead of a 5 point harness car seat? Isn't it funny....God is like our five point harness. :) B has a gift. She is Momma's special girl. Actually, she is God's special child, and for some reason He trusted me with her. Hmm, maybe that is because I also happen to be one of His children. Again, apparently He thinks I am better than I realize myself...and I have just got to quit doubting Him. Wow.

I have a beautiful, smart, FUNNY, endearing, and God fearing brother. I have loved him since the day he was born and I pressed my face against the hospital glass aching to get into the bassinet with him and just be near him because he was mine. As though God made him just for me...and so it all began. He was a caterpillar...you know, he cried a lot and couldn't do a lot and as a child he was angry a lot and I was cheerful and friendly and outgoing and got his straws for him at McDonald's because it scared him. Then we got older. He became a butterfly. He was smart. Super smart. He IS smart. He was amazing at sports and did I mention he is funny?! I mean, make me snort, pee my pants, flip my dinner plate into my lap funny. And I was jealous. Jeepers green can be such an ugly color.

As adults we are close. I am the Godmother to his beautiful little boy and we are both successful in our own rights but sometimes I get all wrapped around the axle about how ridiculously good he seems. I know how flawed I am. He is so good. Hence, I feel not good enough. Seriously, devil calling much? So the other day I am venting to the dearest of friends and she sends me this wake up call:

And that's when you have to hit that lie with the Truth that already you know! You are worth dying for--that's a dang lot. Like {he} told me on the phone that awful, awful night when I truly thought Satan was camped outside my doorstep, "remember who you are and Whose you are." God bless him for that phone call!

I lay on my back on the floor of my room and sobbed. HOW could I be so stupid? Every time I have said something nasty and murmured "I'm going to hell for THAT" it is like I was calling God a liar! And then my sweet B, at just 3 years old, climbed onto my tummy, held my wet face in her hands and said "Momma, if you don't tell me what is wrong, I can't help you!" God bless her. Why would God give me such a precious gift, let alone SAVE ME if I weren't worth something! What is wrong with me and what is wrong with this world, always doubting and never having enough and never feeling full enough, even when I tout JESUS in my heart? Maybe my faith isn't what I thought it was? Maybe I should pay a little less attention to what someone might have meant by what they said, trash tv, that little bump of my body that hangs over the back of a strapless dress, whether or not one of my kids may or may not have a lisp, and really, all the other nonsense that doesn't matter.

It's not just things with my brother that make me feel self conscious, but interactions with friends, neighbors, family, check out girls, doctors, sales people, the guy that calls the numbers at Five Guys, the lady pumping gas in front of me at Costco, the wives of previous CO's of Eric's squadrons, my daughter's teachers, Pastors, pew-mates....have you caught on? It's a disease. I am 100% sure it's the devil. What else cripples us more than self-loathing? It breeds anger, discontentment, sadness, exhaustion, illness and ugliness. Who has time for that? Not me. Not anymore.

So, from here on out, it's full on war. How long have we been fighting the devil in this world? I know I won't totally beat him in 365 days, but you can bet I'll start trying. He won't be living on my doorstep. I have a weapon. It's a guide. It's the Word. And my heart is ready for the battle. Bring it on devil. You're going down.