I have been working on this specific post for a few days and struggling with what is ok to say and what is not. Appropriateness is not really a concern of mine (Have you met me? If the answer is yes, you know what I am talking about. I shoot from the hip and wear my heart on my sleeve...not super tactful or composed...) but I AM concerned about divulging things to a point where my husband feels uneasy about the sharing of our family business. It is something that has taken me TEN years to learn to respect and I am just coming around. I feel like an open book and I think he wishes I were a little more clam-like. ;)
I am overwhelmed by things going on in the world (not a new thing) but realize that it really can shine a light on areas where our own lives can be improved. Watching the children in Africa, starving, is tearing my heart right out of my chest. I want to find a way to do more than just pray and send money, but knowing our limitations...it is "all" I can do. Pastor Mark, at CTK back in Fallbrook, once gave a sermon where he talked about "all" you can do....I will never forget it because it stuck in my head that so many of us say things like "all we can do is pray" and yet prayer is EVERYTHING. Yes, having money to share is a wonderful blessing, and if I could cradle a small, frail child for even an hour, that too could be a huge blessing, but PRAYER....could there be a larger blessing in this world? Sometimes it feels so small a thing to do...to speak into the air and as our words disappear with the sound of our own breath, it feels. like. so. little. And yet sometimes it feels too large to even do. Sometimes there are things I KNOW I should pray on, pray for, and pray about...but I don't. It is as though the idea of prayer is so overwhelming at times. In churches I attended growing up we were told to pray...said rhyming-type prayers and as I grew was reminded that prayer is good...and necessary. I still struggle with finding the words to pray to God in thanks and in requests for health, stability, peace....and yet to listen to our small children pray is the most glorious part of the day. I feel like we are teaching them to pray about everything and anything that they feel a tugging to do so...and I also feel like they have hearts for prayer...their prayers are simple and concise and sometimes enough to overwhelm this mommy's heart to the point of tears and 'insert-lump-in-throat'. It may be God's gentle reminder to us that it isn't so hard and it means so much. And oh, if we would just ASK Him...He'd show Himself. He's already HERE. He's just waiting for us to stop. being. so. blind.
And here is where I have just deleted several paragraphs of text about God helping me to make a decision, making peace with said decision, and after a few tears, laughing about it in the long run. God is good. He is so good.
I am grateful that He encouraged me to hit save a few times and walk away, giving me to time to reflect on what I was writing. At first I felt compelled to publish a post every day of my journey, but that doesn't really change anything and it really doesn't affect the journey of faith I am a'travelin...and maybe not posting was teaching me just as much. It's hard to imagine...reflection and quiet from a mind that can't stop...and God made it happen. Glorious.
| Ecclesiastes 3 >> New International Version |
1There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
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