Psalm 139:13 For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
When T was born, back in California, Pastor Phil read that scripture to us in the hospital. I sobbed my eyes out. What a burden lifted! God already knew her story! I just needed to trust Him. Stop fretting and trust. That is easier said than done. How often do we say have a little faith....?
I will go into more reasons for this project below, but here's the idea: 365 days...every day until I am 33, I will do something to push the levels, increase, multiply and share my faith in God. The reason? Well, besides the fact that He sent his only son to die for me (and, um, that is HUGE), I think it's really the only way back to what really matters in the world and can improve my self esteem in leaps and bounds - which will, in turn, improve the lives of my children, my relationships, my marriage, my family as a whole, and every interaction I have in this world. What is there to be angry about in this world if through everything I truly grasp who God is and that He is really working in my life like He says He is. He will really provide and there is nothing to fear! Beautiful, right? And I've wasted so much time! No. More.
Explain the 365 days; check. Now, the 40 lbs of love....well, that's easy. I was trying to figure out what to call this project and I asked B how much she loved Jesus. Her reply, arms stretched out, "this much". I inquired as to how much "this" is, and she replied "40 lbs". Beautiful. Simple. To the point. And it just happens to be about 1.5 lbs more than B weighs. You know what that means? She loves Jesus more than all she has and all she is. God bless children. Did you also know that at 40 lbs children can start riding in a booster seat instead of a 5 point harness car seat? Isn't it funny....God is like our five point harness. :) B has a gift. She is Momma's special girl. Actually, she is God's special child, and for some reason He trusted me with her. Hmm, maybe that is because I also happen to be one of His children. Again, apparently He thinks I am better than I realize myself...and I have just got to quit doubting Him. Wow.
I have a beautiful, smart, FUNNY, endearing, and God fearing brother. I have loved him since the day he was born and I pressed my face against the hospital glass aching to get into the bassinet with him and just be near him because he was mine. As though God made him just for me...and so it all began. He was a caterpillar...you know, he cried a lot and couldn't do a lot and as a child he was angry a lot and I was cheerful and friendly and outgoing and got his straws for him at McDonald's because it scared him. Then we got older. He became a butterfly. He was smart. Super smart. He IS smart. He was amazing at sports and did I mention he is funny?! I mean, make me snort, pee my pants, flip my dinner plate into my lap funny. And I was jealous. Jeepers green can be such an ugly color.
As adults we are close. I am the Godmother to his beautiful little boy and we are both successful in our own rights but sometimes I get all wrapped around the axle about how ridiculously good he seems. I know how flawed I am. He is so good. Hence, I feel not good enough. Seriously, devil calling much? So the other day I am venting to the dearest of friends and she sends me this wake up call:
And that's when you have to hit that lie with the Truth that already you know! You are worth dying for--that's a dang lot. Like {he} told me on the phone that awful, awful night when I truly thought Satan was camped outside my doorstep, "remember who you are and Whose you are." God bless him for that phone call!I lay on my back on the floor of my room and sobbed. HOW could I be so stupid? Every time I have said something nasty and murmured "I'm going to hell for THAT" it is like I was calling God a liar! And then my sweet B, at just 3 years old, climbed onto my tummy, held my wet face in her hands and said "Momma, if you don't tell me what is wrong, I can't help you!" God bless her. Why would God give me such a precious gift, let alone SAVE ME if I weren't worth something! What is wrong with me and what is wrong with this world, always doubting and never having enough and never feeling full enough, even when I tout JESUS in my heart? Maybe my faith isn't what I thought it was? Maybe I should pay a little less attention to what someone might have meant by what they said, trash tv, that little bump of my body that hangs over the back of a strapless dress, whether or not one of my kids may or may not have a lisp, and really, all the other nonsense that doesn't matter.
It's not just things with my brother that make me feel self conscious, but interactions with friends, neighbors, family, check out girls, doctors, sales people, the guy that calls the numbers at Five Guys, the lady pumping gas in front of me at Costco, the wives of previous CO's of Eric's squadrons, my daughter's teachers, Pastors, pew-mates....have you caught on? It's a disease. I am 100% sure it's the devil. What else cripples us more than self-loathing? It breeds anger, discontentment, sadness, exhaustion, illness and ugliness. Who has time for that? Not me. Not anymore.
So, from here on out, it's full on war. How long have we been fighting the devil in this world? I know I won't totally beat him in 365 days, but you can bet I'll start trying. He won't be living on my doorstep. I have a weapon. It's a guide. It's the Word. And my heart is ready for the battle. Bring it on devil. You're going down.
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