I am writing to tell you to quit beating yourselves up. Trust me, somebody out there did something worse, said something worse, thought something worse, cursed something worse, broke something worse, screamed something worse, drank something worse, left something worse, slammed something worse...or maybe somebody didn't....but it doesn't matter. If it's still bothering you, get your knees a little dirty for a minute and wipe that slate clean. That's right...RIGHT NOW...get down on your knees and you tell Him. Tell Him you are sorry and you want to do better and ask to be forgiven. I'm not claiming to know God any better than you...but I can tell you one thing...and it's something I just figured out today...HE FORGIVES YOU. He forgave me. Today. And He will tomorrow. And Wednesday. And Thursday. And next Saturday...and I think you get what I'm saying...
Can you believe I have been carrying around some stuff since 1995?!?! And let's be honest, ain't nothin' from 1995 that comes anywhere near competing with 2000...so that just shows you how crazy I have been! It explains how angry I get at myself and at anyone who appears to be questioning me. It's awfully hard to be comfy and calm with someone else questioning you if you are questioning yourself. It's even hard to accept a complement.
Let me share something I learned the hard way....you can't cook meals for strangers with new babies, volunteer, take in house guests, run a personal shuttle to the airport, feed dogs, mow, or clean your way to forgiveness. Heads up. It doesn't work that way. I KNOW I'm not the only one who knows this. I just thought...since I'm 32 and am just figuring this all out...maybe I'd save someone else who is a little slow on the uptake the trouble.... I'm just wondering what took me so long.
How did this happen, today? Well, I AM on a journey and God IS in on it...so He appears to be getting straight to business with teaching me where I could strengthen my walk with Him. I was talking to a sweet friend, who also beats herself up about things, and she said something about people thinking I was perfect. I almost fell off the couch. I yell at my kids, don't do the dishes as quickly as I should, am afraid we are either saving too little or too much for retirement, apparently can't figure out which of Eric's clothes can go in the dryer and which cannot, still go to therapy over stuff that happened or I DID ten plus years ago and apparently have forgotten to ask God for forgiveness and learn to forgive myself. Don't I sound like a mess? If a friend just read me that laundry list I would laugh and tell her that she is normal. Why can't I cut myself more slack? Lord help me forgive myself, please!
About an hour later, said lovely friend was watching my girls so I could run an errand. As I drove down the highway, rain pouring, radio blaring my ears the rest of the way to hearing aide status, I sang these words along with Miranda Lambert:
'Cause I heard Jesus, He drank wine
I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet He'd understand a heart like mine
Daddy cried when he saw my tattoo
said he loved me anyway
My brother got the brains of the family
So I thought I'd learn to sing....And besides learning to sing, that is pretty dead on and it gave me a big lump in my throat...driving my car seat filled minivan down the road...it gave my little heart an ache that made me grateful for where I am and grateful for where I've been. And I need to let it go. So, there goes all that writing I've done telling some pretty wretched stories. True, but wretched. Maybe that was part of the healing. Did I say wretched? Wretched. But it's all over. And things are coming up roses. And the Lord blessed me with a good life and FORGIVENESS. Wow. Forgiveness. What a gift. He can forgive a heart like mine. God is good. So. Good.
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