I saw a friend today who asked if {insert huge world event} had not taken place, our lives would all be different. I looked at said friend and proceeded to explain that not only would people's lives be different because HWE (my new acronym for huge world event; take notes) had not occurred, but there are moments in every day that could ultimately change our lives. And in huge ways. Sitting there I could quickly recall a dozen moments or more that, had I made different decisions, would have changed my life and the outcome of so many situations very differently. I am not sure if it is good or bad to look back at these things. I told my friend that it was unproductive to look back, mostly because I might have done some things differently and that is occasionally painful to admit. However, I am grateful for some of the major consequences of those decisions. Sometimes great joy can come from great pain. Am I confusing enough to follow?
And TADA, we have arrived at the faith portion of today's lesson. It is ridiculous how I can start writing and not know where I am going and still teach myself something. Darn it! I only WISH I had better respected that journal writing assignment from Mrs. Preston in 12th grade at LHS. ARE you kidding me, Jennifer Marie?! For someone who loved/loves to write, I sure have a hard time writing when it's required. Now, I kept my own journal in high school...but the thought of turning any of that nonsense in for a grade makes my tummy turn. You know those things you write and then looking back a decade later you are embarrassed and horrified that you not only THOUGHT those things, but you recorded them for posterity?!? Maybe you don't write, but you know what I mean. I am not the only person out there who is embarrassed of my adolescence. It's horrifying. But, it got me to where I am today. Annnnd...we are back where we started. Is there anything you'd change? I can think of some little things and so many big things - all falling under my dozen category. One major item sticks out and at the time, it was feelings of loyalty, guilt and obligation that contributed to the decision I ultimately made, annnnd...here we go again. Obligation. I loathe that word. There is nothing in faith that is an obligation. It is just knowing and feeling and believing...and trusting. It is so easy to confuse those things with human beings, but with God it is so easy. I love God. I trust God. I have faith that He has a plan. And it makes it easier to let go of those moments where I might have said or done something differently. Yes, I believe in free will, but no, I don't think I am doing anything, EVER, that is shocking to God. Just because He knows my life plan doesn't mean that He is controlling it. There is a difference between knowing and doing. He knows, because as I mentioned in a previous post, Psalm 139 tells us:
Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there were none of them.
I go back to this because it is huge. I was recently reading another blog where the writer discussed God opening doors for us and we simply walk through them. Everyone is different and everyone has a different way of responding in situations, but I feel that there are doors everywhere I go, day in and day out. I was on an elevator this morning at the Courthouse and a man (I assumed a lawyer - totally an assumption based on our location, his attire and behavior) was riding down with two young children who were sadly dressed and appeared disheveled and in desperate need of a warm bath and big snuggles. It is hurting my insides now to think that I wanted to just scoop them up and take them home with me. 1) Eric would have died 2) How do you start THAT conversation with a stranger in an elevator and 3) The rational side of me said "There aren't enough car seats in the cart to get them home". I saw another woman walking through the halls with tears in her eyes and I felt like hugging her because I immediately imagined 17 scenarios that could be causing her grief. I mean, come on. That is borrowed trouble. It keeps me awake at night! Oh to stop it....what I wouldn't give.
So, I had the lucky opportunity to see an old friend and felt comforted by said friend's humor, thoughts, and the simple familiarness of being with an old friend. I was 15 again and while I still saw doors everywhere at 15, they were in different packages...stray kittens, the salvation army bell-ringers and the elderly people in our town nursing home. The difference between 15 and 32 is the ability you have to help and the ability I have to tell myself that I should be helping...more now because I am an adult. If only listening to a song from 1995 on iTunes on indefinite repeat was enough to make me stop my racing thoughts. I'd be thinking about rainbows and unicorns right now.
To tie it all together and try not to completely lose you in my buckshot form of thought...there are moments in life where, yes, we might look back, even seconds later, and say "I should have done that differently" or "I should have said this..." or "I wish I hadn't missed the chance to..."
What's my response to that? Try not to miss opportunities that really count. But if you feel you have, have faith knowing that it's God's plan...not yours...and we are all on a journey that has a guide...and if we follow Him and trust Him...we will all get to where we are going. And He'll be there to greet us with open arms. I'm trusting this and today choosing to have faith in this, because its what I need today...this week...this year...and this lifetime. I can't do it on my own. Thank God we don't have to.
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